Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
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Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace