Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

Bill is short for Billiam

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go