Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

u spoke cat all this time??????

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.