Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.