Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

went fishing caught a bass

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

man i love columbo

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.