Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Weirdos gonna weird.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.