Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Worth remembering.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening