me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
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Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Bond. Trauma bond.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
thank god
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.