Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Jurassic park gets weird

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup