Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

🤣

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

three things we don’t talk about

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.