Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
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Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.