ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.

DETECTIVE: [sighs]

ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.

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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.


*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”


[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’


doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs


Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok


[Pizza falls on the ground]



-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.


Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!


explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone


JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW


God: why don’t we text anymore?

Me: you know why

God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works

Me: k