I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.
ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.
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*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
[Pizza falls on the ground]
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]
ME: woa!! thanks jesus
JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW
God: why don’t we text anymore?
Me: you know why
God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works