@thenatewolf

ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.

DETECTIVE: [sighs]

ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.

You Might Also Like

@juicymorsel

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

@fabulouscop

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

@flouncingqueen

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

@pilau

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

@fishbowel

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

@awkwardphilippe

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

@mrtruthandsoul

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

@aardvarsk

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

@jonnysun

JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW

@thenatewolf

God: why don’t we text anymore?

Me: you know why

God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works

Me: k