John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
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[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye