Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

*files a restraining order against reality*

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Me trying to reach for my goals

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.