I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
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me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
her: you look nice
barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I’m just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
-get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I need to start paying more attention when i’m talking to myself.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.