@ThugRaccoons

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

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@BareChesty

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

@mrjohndarby

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

@jdforshort

I’m just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me

@KalvinMacleod

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

@Almighty_Smoot

Saturday plans:
-get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one.
– laundry

@HatfieldAnne

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

@aparnapkin

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.