Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.