Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
How I like cutting carbs
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle