Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

Feels

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪