me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
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I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot