Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.