Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

me as a parent

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals