Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

Very problematic

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.