Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
☠️ ☠️
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
best review i’ve ever seen
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
