Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

found this cool rock hiking today

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.