Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.