ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I have a place for everything. The floor.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.