@thatdutchperson

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

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@SondraDeeMe

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

@VaChina1

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

@MUMSIEesq

5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp

@Book_Krazy

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

@boogersincoffee

i hate when you google stuff like ‘insidious’ it gives you the definition but when you google ‘butt’ it doesn’t. define butt for me damn it

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.