ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?