Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
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If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Is this anything
Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”
Got ya covered
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any