Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

#IWishIHadNever noticed

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no