The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
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‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.