Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

God has left this place

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

January is lasting longer than my marriage

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”