Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

She: I like Cats
He:

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day