ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
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Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points