ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
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Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy