ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I get distracted pretty eas
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!