Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
our love story in four pictures
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??