Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
