Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
bias laundering edition
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
