Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.