Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.