Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
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45.01~ gas pumps
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.