Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

Have kids, they said

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text