Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
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Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
New comic up. “Ransom”
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
yeah 😭
