Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its a hippotatomus

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

#SaturdayBears

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.