Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]