Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

when the buffet is more honest than your date

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

my name if I was in the mob

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed