Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

My work here is done

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

One venti cheeseburger please.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course