Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
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I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.