Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Breaking news:
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.