Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
You Might Also Like
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…