Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
You Might Also Like
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken