Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
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what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
OH. COME. ON.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Tony Hawk, age 6
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.