Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.