Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

oh she’s cooked

Covert ops

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said