Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”