Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope it’s French Onion!

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes