Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

😂😂

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.