Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi