Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked