Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

Wednesday

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.