Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”