Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

I love the honesty

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.