Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured