Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.