Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
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Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
become ungovernable
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
he was correct
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.