[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
My teenage children choosing violence
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore