Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
You Might Also Like
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Me if I was a dog
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before