Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.