Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
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Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow