Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.