me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰